What We Want The Most
by InTheCompanyOfDragons
Summary: Sam is finally through detox, but Dean doesn't know what to do next. Brotherhood AU as written by Ridley. One Shot Comments please.
1. Chapter 1

What We Want The Most

Bobby had left after the first day, claiming he had a hunt to go on but Dean was convinced it was because he couldn't listen to Sam scream anymore. Sam had gotten through his withdrawal this time, without any interference from angels and God, but was currently upstairs in Bobby's guest room curled up on his side staring at the wall. Dean had tried to talk to him, but Sam didn't seem to have to energy to move, or maybe he did, but Dean hadn't exactly attempted to push. The older Winchester was lost, and didn't know quite how to handle the situation that had taken place under Famine's control. Dean head jerked up when he heard the door open, and shrank back against the chair when Caleb Reaves strolled in, dropping his bag on the kitchen floor with a thump.

"What are you doing here Reaves?" Dean said quietly, taking another drink out of the glass of whiskey on the table.

"Bobby called, told me what happened." Caleb said, sitting down and pouring his own drink. "Told me to come make sure you were both still alive." Dean sighed and ran his hand over the three days worth of stubble currently on his face.

"Yeah… still alive. Sam's upstairs laying down…" Caleb quirked an eyebrow at Dean and took another drink.

"So he is all cleaned up and ready to jump back into the chaos?" Dean scoffed, pushed back the chair and began pacing around the kitchen.

"Clean? Yep, he sweated out a nasty cure for thirty six hours, hallucinations, screaming, being strapped down the whole nine fucking yards. But he isn't jumping back into anything… he may be demon blood free but his head is all kinds of messed up…he won't even talk to me…"

"Well he did do the one thing that makes you think he is a monster Deuce." Dean glared at his friend.

"This wasn't his fucking fault Damien! He fought it as much as he could, I mean he even told me he was hungry for it, and we both know Winchester's aren't exactly known for asking for help. He asked me to lock him down and he would have been fine if famine hadn't of sent those demons after him." Caleb smirked knowingly at Dean.

"And yet here you are, standing downstairs getting drunk instead of telling your little brother exactly what you just told me." Tension leaked out of Dean but he continued to glare at Caleb.

"You suck you know that?" Dean said. Caleb laughed.

"You are just annoyed cause I am right Deuce, Sam's biggest fear is disappointing you."

"Guess I better go talk to Sammy…" Dean went to turn away but Caleb caught him by the arm.

"Hang on a sec kid."

"What now Damien?"

"Well, you may be brooding about Sam but there is something else bothering you, want to tell me what that is?" Dean frowned and yanked his arm out of his friend's hand.

"Stay out of my head Caleb…"

"I'm not in your head, I just know you too well Deuce. But if you don't tell me what is going on, I will go cruising through your brain, and we both know what a horror show it is up there." Dean sighed and sat back down across from Caleb.

"Nothing happened to me…I wasn't hungry for anything…"

"Okay… and that's a bad thing?" Dean laughed and looked up.

"Isn't it? Everyone is hungry for something right? I wasn't affected by it at all, and then Famine told me that it was because I was…" Caleb watched his friend in concern.

"That you were what Deuce?"

"He told me I wasn't affected because I was already dead inside." Caleb snorted.

"That's such bullshit."

"How do you know that Caleb?"

"Because I know you, you stupid son of a bitch… I remember a kid who pulled his baby brother out of a fire, and a teenager who would do anything for his family. I remember my best friend selling his soul for his brother, and going to hell to give that kid a second chance. And then I remember you against all odds coming back from hell, and still fighting to save Sam's life, even when he didn't want your help. You are not dead on the inside." Caleb's voice was shaking with anger and Dean swallowed hard.

"Then what's wrong with me? Why wasn't I affected by it?" Caleb sighed and waited for Dean to look at him.

"I remember Pastor Jim telling me once that your weakest and strongest quality was your heart. You put everyone else's feelings ahead of your own and you were always the one who ended up hurt. The only thing that is wrong with you, is that you let everyone hurt you, and you carry guilt and pain with you everywhere you went." Dean frowned in confusion.

"What does that have to do with famine?"

"Well… I think what you want the most, what you crave the most, is to feel nothing for a little while… maybe that's what you are hungry for. But that does not make you dead inside Deuce… it just means you have dealt with enough." Caleb and Dean sat in silence for a few minutes before Dean spoke again.

"Thanks Damien… now I have to go talk to Sammy… figure out how to convince him this isn't his fault."

"And if you can't?" Dean smirked and stood up.

"I can always put Sammy out of the fire… it what I do, I'm never gonna let him crash and burn." Dean headed up the stairs, and Caleb took another sip of whiskey.

"I know you won't kiddo…" Caleb smirked. "Dead inside my ass."


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2:

When Dean pushed the door of the spare bedroom open, Sam was facing against the wall curled into a smaller ball then should be possible for someone of his gigantic stature. Dean sighed and sat down on the side of the bed, choosing to ignore the flinch that made its way through Sam's shoulders.

The worst of the withdrawal symptoms were over, but after what had happened with famine, it left Dean with a very broken little brother, and Dean hated to admit it but after hell, he hadn't stepped up liked the big brother he once was. He would still kill anyone who hurt Sam, and punch Sam when he needed to be punched, but they had never dealt with the emotional fall out of the last few years. Talking about things had never been his strength, but looking at his tired and depressed younger brother he knew that this had to be an exception to his no chick flick moments rule. Sam had been hurting for such a long time, and Dean hadn't seen it through his own pain.

"Sammy? Are you okay?"

Sam sniffed and nodded his head.

"Do you need anything?"

Sam shook his head. Sam refused to talk to him through most of this process, and Dean had had enough of it. Sam wasn't going to shut down on him, he wasn't gonna let it happen.

"Alright that's it…" Dean mumbled. He made his way around the bed and held tight onto his brother's shoulder as Sam tried to turn away from him. Sam eventually gave up, not having enough strength from the demon blood withdrawal to pull away, but he kept his eyes down, his hair plastered to his face from what was left from the withdrawal induced sweating. The tiredness was catching up with Sam, and he couldn't stop the tears from dripping down his face.

"I'm sorry…" Sam rasped out, his voice sore from screaming all night in the panic room, while his body fought through the damage the demon blood had done.

"Sammy…"

Sam let out a sob and buried his face in his hands.

"I didn't mean too… I tried to stop... but I couldn't… it was so strong… I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry…" Dean grabbed his brother by the wrists and pulled them down to the mattress, doing his best to find his brother's eyes under the mop of chestnut locks.

"Sam look at me…" Sam shook his head, but Dean persisted. "Look at me right now."

Sam followed the order out of habit, and Dean felt sick by the fear and self-hatred in his little brothers eyes. Dean could never forgive himself for this, but he couldn't help but think he was the one who put that there.

"I know I've blamed you for a lot, and God knows you have made some really shitty mistakes… but we had angels and demons fighting against us, and I was so damaged that I let us be pulled apart. We will deal with the fall out of all that. But what happened earlier this week? What Famine did to you isn't your fault, you beat him kiddo, we couldn't have done it without you."

"You're wrong…" Sam whispered. "If I wasn't so weak it wouldn't have happened… I should have fought harder."

"You aren't weak… you are the opposite of weak, you aren't supposed to be able to fight Famine, that is kind of the whole point."

Sam laughed in a self-depreciating way before looking back at Dean.

"I fell into the same hole I've been trying to crawl out of since you got back, I can't even sit up… I am so tired Dean…" Dean thought that over before nodding his head, silently agreeing with his decision.

"I know we have had a tough time over the last little while… but you have helped me more then you know. I came back from Hell broken Sammy, and I know we don't talk about it, but we both know the shell of a human being I was. Even when I was too weak to fight on my own you carried me through my darkest days. So if you need to be broken down and weak for a little while… I can carry you Sam. It's about time I return the favour.

Sam sniffled a little before pushing himself up against the headboard, pulling his legs in and wrapping them around his long legs.

"I just don't want to be a disappointment anymore… I don't want to lose you because I am a monster."

"You aren't a monster little brother, I am right here and I promise I am not going anywhere." Sam smiled in spite of himself and wiped the rest of the tears from his eyes.

"I'm so tired Dean…"

"So sleep."

"For how long? We've got things to do."

"The world can wait. Right now get some sleep."

Sam nodded and lay back down, watching Dean as his blinking grew slower. Dean waited until he knew Sam was asleep before pushing the sweaty hair out of his brother's face.

"You sleep Sammy, I got you… I promise."


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3:

Dean waited a good hour before heading back down the stairs, hoping that Sam would be down for the count for the next day or so. He needed to recharge, they all did before they continued this fight for a planet that had done nothing but hurt them. He frowned when he heard Caleb talking to someone in the kitchen. After all, at this point in their lives they were short on friends and family.

Dean was shocked to see Castiel sitting at the table, for him and Caleb had both admitted their dislike for each other. Yet, as Castiel had gotten more human, he had attempted to befriend Caleb, even though the angel in him had a hard time seeing past the demon taint in his DNA. Castiel's eyes drifted to Dean as he came into the room and gave a half smile.

"How is Sam?" Cas inquired.

"Sleeping, he should be fine in a couple of days." Dean sat down across from the angel and poured himself a generous helping of whiskey. After all this, he deserved it God Damn it.

"Did you talk to him?" Caleb asked.

"Yeah." Dean answered. "He is pretty messed up, I told him I didn't think it was his fault… but I think it will take him awhile to recover from this."

"You need not worry Dean, Sam is strong. Famine proved that."

Dean grimaced at the mention of the Horsemen Sam had destroyed in moments with the power of the demon blood pulsing through his veins.

"Yeah… You don't need to remind me of how strong he is… I saw what he did that night." Castiel tilted his head slightly to the side.

"I believe you have misunderstood what I mean Dean."

"I tend to believe that too." Caleb said. "But what exactly do you mean Feathers?"

"Most people in Sam's life underestimate him. That includes both of you." Dean tried to interject but Cas continued on with a placating hand in front of him, attempting to explain what he meant.

"It isn't that you don't try, but you all under estimate Sam's goodness, we all did, we thought the boy with the demon blood would be evil and powerful, but it isn't that Sam is powerful because of the demon blood that makes him special, it is amazing because of the power he holds in spite of that."

"We know… His goodness pulled him away from the hunt when he went to college, he was afraid of being one of us, he didn't want to become numb to the blood and pain." Caleb said. He remembered the first night he saw the coldness of a hunter in Sam, and as much as he didn't want to admit it, it scared him to see that in the eyes of a seventeen year old boy who just wanted to go to college and chase normal.

"Do you actually believe that Cas? After all you were told about Sam, and the darkness within him?" Dean asked. Castiel thought on that for a second.

"In theory, Sam should have been the greatest enemy of God and the Angels. After all, he is Lucifer's vessel. As an angel I understand it takes a certain level of darkness in a person to hold Lucifer… yet here I sit an angel who has been able to befriend Sam Winchester, and see him the way you do… and suddenly I have extreme doubt about the master plan and everything that was told to me."

"So you believe he can beat this?" Caleb asked.

"I believe you three can beat anything as long as you are fighting on the same side. It wasn't just him we underestimated. We underestimated the one thing that holds all of you together. It is something that as angels we will never understand the complexity of."

Dean frowned trying to think of something that a creature thousands of years old would never understand.

"What's that exactly?" Castiel smiled and looked at the two men in front of him.

"We underestimated how much family meant, how even though you may not all share DNA you became one of the closest families I have ever met. Somewhere along the line we forgot that you would all live and die for each other without a look back. In essence we completely underestimated how deep your loyalties ran. We underestimated a brothers love."

Caleb felt a warmth growing inside him, he knew that love, had felt it since he met a silent 4 year old and a wriggling baby in his apartment as a teenager.

"Damn right you underestimated us." Caleb said roughly. "People always do, and this time that will be Heaven and Hell's greatest mistake, because that will never be taken from us."

"That's right." Dean raised his glass. "To family."


End file.
